Tag: me

the signs as ways i’ve answered “are you a boy or a girl?”

Aries: fuck if i know
Taurus: i am groot
Gemini: what are my other options?
Cancer: i am a train wreck and train wrecks do not have genders, they only have pain
Leo: go ask a magic eight ball, you’ll get an easier answer
Virgo: the gender binary is a lie and i’m too busy saving $15 or more on my car insurance to talk about it
Libra: i’m fine, how are you?
Scorpio: *doesn’t answer, pretends they never asked*
Sagittarius: i’m a racoon living in your attic
Capricorn: are you professor oak?
Aquarius: bitch i might be
Pisces: no. no, no, no….no.

robotmango:

me, crouched down in front of my tomato plants, examining a pattern of insect bites on their lower leaves: i’m going to fucking kill whoever did this. i’m going to kill them for you. don’t worry, babies. I’m going to murder every single son of a bitch who ever got a mouthful of you. they’ll die screaming

my neighbor, who i did not realize was also outside, standing behind the fence: oh! okay. you’re talking to the plants. okay.

ilikeyoshi:

me: hey how long is this thing going to last

someone: haha you just want to know when you’re off the hook

me: hah

me: (actually i just need to allocate the right expectations and backlog of energy and make sure the rest of my day falls in good accordance with it so that i don’t feel time-crunched and propel myself into a hysteria because if i don’t know how long this thing lasts or when it ends i can’t possibly know when literally anything else starts and my entire life becomes an unraveled realm of anarchy with no rhyme or reason and how is that not terrifying to you)